The maid of honor just puked.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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