I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
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