The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
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you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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