why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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