I cockslap morals
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
