if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
