I'd wear matching sweaters with you
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
