cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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