is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
