hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
