A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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