i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
