Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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