Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
