Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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