Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
