You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
