My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
