But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
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I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
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Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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