If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
