nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize