I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
