Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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