i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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