my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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