Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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