No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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