had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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