Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
