sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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