i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
