I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
