we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
