well I can't set my house on fire every night
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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