At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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