I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
