Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
