Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
