We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
