I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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