New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Randomize
