my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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