OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Randomize
