we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
