and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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