I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
