I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Also, beer. Big fan.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
