if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
