You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
he told me I talked like a deaf person
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
