Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Life is so much better after having sex.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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