my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
