I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
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