I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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