I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
They took my balls.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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