I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
