3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
