It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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