Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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