Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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